Independance is my new thing. For the majority of life i jsut went throgh the motion of things. All the way till college i just did my school work and did well. I was a picture perfect student. I didnt question things. I was an overachiver. always did the reading, had my hw done and did projects and papers in advance. And I was happy. Ignorant and happy. I lived in a bubble. it hard to really explain what the bubble is to outside people. But its like suburbia. BUt suburbia on a desert island by itself. things go on in the world but you really arnt concerned with it because where u are there is no violence. no crime. no pain. Everyone in your life is geared towards going to college, or thier job, or their 2.5 kids/meaning PTA. and playing sports. and gossip. and how the shopping area/ old town was getting renovated and how good it will look. or a new school its being built. how great that will be. ooo a new car came out, whos going to be the first to have it with rims. Sure bad things happen to people and you hear about and say 'oh my god', but its like some freak event that passed by with time and then is a distant memory. The people I grew up with , dont know stuggle or hardship. and the one who did know it were outcasted or seen as druggies. whether true or not. They wernt of your concern they probably going to end up in some community college. yeah, that was pretty much as bad as it got. Pierce community college...gross hahaha. but then college did come. And you and your family realized u were leaving. Major shock. And me oing to Long Beach. Were my parents crazy I could have been shot. Why did I not go UC system? I had the grades and the money. It was for my education. the great art program. And even tho I told myself its all about the education and not the school you go to, i was still embarassed to be going the a state school and LB at that. and was a little nervous about it history of crime. I had never really been to Long beach, save the time we went to visit the campus before i decided to go ther. the campus was nice. a little dated but nice. Art department was amazingly huge unlike anywhere else we had been. which sealed the deal. Around the school i would lear was nice enough suburb. but to me at the time, it was a dump. lower class people. with old cars, gross lawns, and houses built straight out of the 50's or something. maybe even earlier then that...my god, these houses had survived the 70's and the 80's. *shudder*. I know people would look at what im saying in shock, but you cant blame me for living a sheltered life. it was not my choice. and these were my true feelings, i cant lie about it. And then I was thrust in with these people and i felt embarassed about my life, I lied about things to fit in. and thats when my previous life ended. I wont lie. but i was excited to leave home. I was ready to be out of the house. I dont really remember having a reason why i wanted to go so badly. Maybe I just knew i would get to do whatever I wanted. Im not sure but once I got there it was like waking up for the first time. My friend thomas had a little crisis in high school. He was on the verge of suicide and depressed. I couldnt understand why and i told him it was probably just a chemical imbalance. that he was over worked. thomas is way smart. 1590 on the SAT smart. yeah thats out of 1600. I dont think i broke 1100. He had all these questions about life that I couldnt answer and he was confused why i had never questioned things and i was confused why he would ask them. Whats the point of living? What is ther to look forward too? You just live because you have life, try and be happy right? right? suddenly I was thinking these things. What was the point of all this? Why am i in school? Why are things they way they are? What do I believe in? Who are my friends? Why are they my friends? Why do I like art? Why did I choose it as a major? What do I like to do? My whole life had been school and other then that just ways to have fun wiht my friends and family. I never thought about anything deep or meaningful. beucase I never had to question anything. I will attribute this partially to the bubble and paritially to brain capacity. As ive learned, the human brain does not fully muture until late teens, early 20's. thats why suddenly you get to vote and why you stop being a juvenile. Juveniles are juveniles because their brain function is not at full capacity and they have difficult distinguishin right and wrong. Their brains are still testing things to see whats acceptable. Reason being why we dont throw people under 17 in jail and why the highest crime rates are from 10-25 age range. I think this is also why partially I was ready to move out from my parents, and why i started thinking about these things. Thomas went thru it earlier then most, i think becuase he was more developed mentally, yet he was still int he bubble and no one really seemed to understand. During this period of my life I dropped alot of my friends, because I realized that they were not true friends to me and in the long run were bad for me. I drank alot I made friends with people I really shoudln have. I dyed my hair, for the fun of it. but I was still a ood student because i was still eager to learn, it was somethign that i was good at because i had done it all my life, and got really attached to this site actually, xanga, because it helped me to visiualize and think about what i was feeling. and I got to review my actions and my life, write them down and relive them. I gained major confidence in that time. I realized what my believes are and who i was. I proudly state it on my website and on my myspace, because that it me in a nut shell. That single piece that I wrote on xanga changed my life so much. It was during that time that I met my college friends from today, my current gf and finally got my life back in order. I ditched a lot of my new college friends as well because i realized i was just looking for people to relate to and they werent it. Currently my life has waned out. I dont drink as much. I have my solid group of friends. Im much more comfortable with myself. And I understand Life alot better. But with this, I have become much more lazy about school. Things seem so lame and stupid and common knowledge to me I just wonder why I am wasting my time. I really want to be independent. School I feel ties me down and I just want to not go. but when I dont have something to do Im not happy and when i do Im also not happy. Ive become much more selfish, and am totally self absorbed. And Im frustrated becuase theres things that I want to do but dont have the money or time to do them. I want to paint more. I want to draw more. I want to spend an entire day at the beach form sun up to sun down. i want to learn to be an awesome skateboarder. I want to buy and play video games. I want to read more books while sun bathing. I want to see more movies. I want to go to london, I want to go to Paris. I want to got to Tokyo. I want to have children. I want to live in my own apartment at the top of some building and not b have to be bothered or worry about anyone or anything. i want lots of really nice furniture. I want to spend an entire week in vegas with my friends pissing away money. i want to go wine tasting. i want to see norther california, way way north. I want to drive from one coast to another. I want to plant a garden and watch it grow. I want to have an huge aqurium and stare at it for hours. I want to be good at yoga. I want to work out more and have a body that people admire. I want to run more. I want to listen to more music. I want to walk around with a camera and take pictures all day. I want to go and eat strange foods with my friends and talk about the past, and laugh at the funny things we order. I want to go bar hopping and not have to worry about all the money it would cost. I want to shop more. I want to get thrown around by ocean waves. I want to restore old furniture. I want to see my friends more. I want to become good at playing the piano again. I want a good piano of my own. I want to learn to play the violin. I just want to not have to write an essay, throw pottery, sit and listen to a lecture, or be couped up in my room becuase I have hw I should be doing. I want to feel like Im not wasting my time anymore.
This morning I had no morning class. Thus Dane was able to sleep in. It was a good sleep in...a good sleep in indeed. Today's sleep in was till about 11:20-11:30ish. When I woke I noticed that know one was in the apartment so ther was no need to place clothes on my body other then the boxers I was already wearing. After taking my morning pee I frequented my computer where I planned to check my myspace website. I was at the point of just logging in when a sharp rap came against the front door. 'Who the fuck' I thought to myself, but proceeded to ignore it as i was sitting, fairly open legged to the front door, in my underwear. However, the mechanical grind from the locks kicked up and I was like oh ok good it was just Allison, Eric, or Cheryl being lazy and hoping I would open the door for them. And then the door opened...Eric? Allison? Cheryl?...Nope....It was a horde of about 6 mexicans with tools. the words 'oh crap' 'what the fuck' and 'akward' came to mind. For better clarification it was maintenance coming to install a new air conditioning box, and put in new lighting. One of them stepped forward and explaing that they were maintence and that they would be done in 15 mins...I said ok thats fine and I got up and quickly stowe myself in my room and put some clothes on. The guy was like "oh I knocked loudly I thought u would hear"...to myself I was like 'uh duh u moron i was in my underwear why would i answer the door, maybe u hadn't noticed'. Well im guessing he/they didnt realize this because he proceeded to tell me about everything think they were going to be doing in this 15 mins and barred my way to my room by standing in the entry way! I was able to sneak by finally by weaving thru them and clearly showing the main guy I had no interest in what he was saying by walking past him and not looking back. Safely in my room it dawned on me all the other times that a horde of mexicans has never been good news.... when we were kids, we were forced out of the pool or the backyard or called inside by the gardeners....or trying to sleep in, in my teen years always was interrupted by the brrrrr on a lawn mower....or all the times i had to stop eating and leave the kitchen, get off the computer or video game, stop practicing piano, stop watching t.v., not to use the bathroom, wake up, beacsue the cleaning ppl where there and needed to clean, or had just cleaned making parts of the house inhabitable...or when I am unble to check myspace or parade around in my underwear because of maintenance. From this I was thinking of moving to northern sweden where im sure they dont have mexicans...or maybe germany....god i hope eric never reads this.
HEEEELlo 5 in the morning. We hardly know each other. But its nice to catch up. Yes it tis five 35 at the moment... and im up. Yeah. I know. Shocked. I am too. If you think thats weird...get this...I didnt sleep tonight...at all. I laid down at 130 ish. listen to music for an hour. layed awake thinking because i wasnt tired. i looked up and it was 3. so i was like im not tired at all im going to go read or something. So i read the book my Visual communication teacher wrote and it was quite interesting i must say and i did get quite absorbed. then i was like i guess i could be tired and it was four 15. so i laid back down....and obviousl that didnt work and its now 530 and im on the computer. Fucked up ... i know. But this whole event is quite fascinating to me. Ive never had insomnia before and the closest ive gotten to it b4 was the last day of fall semester when i purposly stayed up doing my art project partly cuz i wanted to try out an all nighter and partly cuz i needed to get the project done. but that was intentional. So it doesnt count the same. The main reason im fascinated by this event is that i have not experianced this b4. and yes ther are many things i have not experianced but this one i couldnt control and its like having a new experiance and i dont have too many of those any more. so i was pleasantly surprised and for a breif moment i dont feel like im getting old any more. i am. but a brief pause and full realization that there is still so much i cannot predict in this world or with myself. I do enjoy it so. But 5 in the morning is so boring. all i have to do is school work...only to discover ther is not much that i could actually do. too bad my war craft trail pass ended because now would be the perfect time to play...im sure it would be quick as a mother fucker too. sigh but i guess my life is better without it since i actually have a life now. :/ . Anyways i am nervous how this day will play out. I had planned out so much. First i would go to design class get my piece critiqued then come back since i would get out early fix it up and then see if i could print it at todds and be done with this project because it is due on tuesday and im going home this weekend and wouldnt have time to do it. Oh and i would print it out after my art history class at 1230. and then i would try to do some religious diversity done b4 or clean up all my files that are from my pc. god its a mess and im positive ther is stuff i definatly do not need anymore. then go to typography and be done for he day. but now. now i can struggle to make it thru design. then come back maybe take a nap? maybe not i dont know if i will be tired but im betting yes. but the fun thing about it is i dont know. then go to art history but i could actually miss that one if i really needed too. and then after art history...i would definatly take a nap till typography cuz i need to sleep a little cuz my sleep sched is going to be so fucked up. and i need to paint tomorrow...and i need an open calm peaceful mind. and when im tired im usually wishing death upon everything that moves. from my experiance with my all nighter i slept from 5'0clock friday to 5'oclock saturday. and thats not going to work out for dane...no not at all. but who knows at this point what will happen. Possible reasons for this lack off sleep: the fact that I slept for 12 hours yesterday stress- i have been stressed with all the school work i need to do and having time to do it all. coffee- i had a sudden craving for a frappicino at 10 yesterday and caffine makes me really really jittery. so im not surpried i couldnt sleep right away...but all night? I dunno. thats a powerful frap. so im just going to say combo of all three. oh well ill have more for everyone later and i hope i remember to turn off my alarm at 8 cuz erics sick and not going to class today...hum :/
Alright wow. So im obsessed...with a video game. and its ruining my life. its called world of war craft and its all i do. Ugh i really need to stop playing but its so addicting its all i can think about. Its ruining my life and this is definaly the last thing i should be thinking about or doing cuz i have so much to do. I figure i just need to get it out of my system...i will get tired of it soon...i know i will...i hope :(
well...me and xanga arnt talking anymore beacuae it kept erroring at my house so i have not been able to read my comments or read other ppls site...lame xanga....really lame
